From one day to the next I could go through about 10 different emotions. I guess you could say I might be a little bit emotionally unstable. If you’ve been following for a while you might understand some of this. If not that’s okay. Let’s just describe Friday for an example of the extreme mood swings I tend to have. I started Friday morning off, wondering what my purpose in life was. I spent a chunk of that time hiding under a throw blanket on the couch pretending to be sleeping while the kids played Minecraft. In reality, I was sobbing into the pillow under the blanket. Trying to figure out what there was in my life to be happy about. Now I know, and you know all the things that I have been blessed with, but when you feel like you connect with no one and like the world has forgotten you it’s really easy to think you have nothing. I know I am blessed by the four people I call family. My hard-working husband who wakes up much earlier than he should have to, to ride a bus to work, my kids are always a blessing and the fact that I have food and shelter and an income are definitely things to be grateful for. So when I’m feeling the way I felt Friday morning, I will have to remind myself of the above things that many people don’t have.
The reality of Friday morning was that I was once again mourning a loss I thought I had already mourned and moved on from. Once again it all felt so new to me. This used to be the view outside my window.
And now below is my view. That wall feels like a prison. The view of beautiful ponderosa pine trees have been exchanged for this desert landscape. I lived in Phoenix for 15 years and never really liked the desert, although I can appreciate an Arizona sunset. So waking up to this, when I used to wake up to squirrels chasing each other up trees feels a little depressing sometimes and makes me long for what we had.
I will say that even though this is my view (currently), there are so many beautiful things to see in CO just a few hours away or less from where we are. So I’m trying to get used to this trade.
Our previous deadline for our house to be finished was October 27th. There has been no work done on the house in about 5 weeks, so we knew the October 27th deadline was impossible. We’ve now been given a new “estimated” finish time of the first week of January. But I really don’t trust it. I really wanted to celebrate Christmas in the new house and to at least set up a Christmas tree so I could finally feel at home here in CO, but it looks like we have to wait til January.
Right now the boys share a room but are dying for their own rooms again. There’s no place for the cats and their litter box and I can’t even find pot holders or half my clothes that seem to have been put in an unlabeled box that is probably sitting behind our very heavy dining room table in the garage. The washer and dryer in this house sucks (I don’t think it truly washes our clothes) and I miss my brand new red LG washer and dryer I had in my old house. The power goes out when you plug in a new appliance and in this house everything is dated back to the early 90’s. I guess in the early 90’s brass was a big thing. So to remind ourselves of the beautiful state we live in, we try not to spend much time here. We explore on the weekends.
Top that with a job that is extremely stressful where you continually question yourself and the situations you are put in, and it leads to uncontrollable sobbing. There are five other people with my job title and their jobs are not as stressful as mine. I wish I could say I spent most of my time stapling packets of work for kids, xeroxing or laminating things, tying children’s shoes and giving hugs or consoling upset children. That would be amazing and the opportunities I get to do just what I mentioned above are awesome, but my job is isolated to diffusing intense emotional situations where I end up needing help from others to make sure the situation doesn’t escalate to a dangerous level. It’s intense and while I’m good “in” the moment of not letting my emotions get the best of me when the day is done it all comes out in one big ugly cry.
I finally told myself I was being stupid for crying with a blanket over my head on the couch and after surfing my Facebook feed I had decided I was going to be productive with my Friday and wrangled the kids up to go buy supplies to make this saltine cracker treat I found on Facebook. So my states of emotion change from moment to moment. It went from depression, to “this is shit, let’s go Pinterest something”, to “there’s not enough wine for how I feel”, to “will not adult without coffee today”. Welcome to the emotional stages of my life!
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