Parenting over the last month has been a bit rough for me. I’ve had many a moment where I’ve lost my temper. As you know I have a three and a five-year-old and I have been home with both of my beautiful crazy rambunctious strong-willed children since their births. I live eat breath whatever they are doing. They, for five years, have been my soul purpose for waking up.
Over the last five years I have seen many changes in myself, mostly in my appearance. I look in the mirror and see lines, dark spots and I swear gray hairs are popping up everywhere and I’m 33. My skin has more freckles and age spots than I’ve ever seen before. I have been with my children 24/7 and we all know when you have little ones you can’t even use the restroom or shower alone, so when I find those moments to myself, I try to enjoy it or accomplish as much as I can within those time frames.
When I dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten back in August I couldn’t even get out the front doors before the tears started to flow. For five years my whole entire life has been taking care of this child day in day out, through vomit, blow-outs, sleepless nights, you name it.
Parenthood is so many things….but when I think of the months past, I don’t think of all those crazy frustrating days. I think of the fun we had at Disneyland or the time we just had a blast having a tickle fight on the living room floor, I think of all the good times…not the bad ones…but let me tell you the frustrations of everyday tantrums, fighting with each other, and the bickering between two children etc… can add up and that’s exactly what I was dealing with on Monday when I said on my facebook fan page “Who’s glad the kids are back at school today?”
I had no idea that comment would get the greeting it did. It just goes to prove that we live in a very sensitive world where things can be taken the wrong way. This woman apparently thought I was so disgusted with my kids I just wanted to send them away. Her comment was ” I enjoy having my children around. What’s the point in having them if you look forward to them being under someone else’s care?”
Moments prior to that post I had just pulled into the driveway after a quiet ride back home. It started out with the kids fighting while they were getting their coats and shoes on. JJ wanted to wear his snowsuit. I told him no, (This argument continues for four more days until I blow up at him Thursday morning right before school) 😉 I tell him that since he needs help getting in and out of his snowsuit that he shouldn’t wear it to school because if he wears it he will have to wear it all day even during P.E. He continues to argue with me and says but “Abby wears her’s to school…blah blah blah blah”…the clock is ticking we need to get in the car.” He wines and is in full meltdown mode and I can’t get the kid in the car… he complains about it all the way to school and decides to pick a fight with his little brother about something I couldn’t understand but it resulted in blood-curdling screams from Braidy all the way to school, while Jaydon kept snickering and egging on the screamfest. So when we pulled up, I apparently am the only parent who still has their five-year-old in a five-point harness system and I have to get him out of the car in the drop off lane. Since the kid is small for his age according to his weight and height he needs to be in this five-point harness system til he’s 40 pounds. So I get the I”m trying to be polite but hurry the hell up” honks from parents all the time while I’m trying to unbuckle the kid, make sure he has all his things, backpack lunch box, hat and mittens and get him safely on the sidewalk before someone runs him over.
So when I said “Who’s happy the kids are back at school today”, I didn’t say it because I don’t love my child and I certainly didn’t want to send him away forever. I said it because for the next five minutes home I didn’t have to do anything but focus on driving. I could breathe a sigh of relief. It apparently was taken that I hate my children and this woman found it “disturbing” and “wished my children luck”.
Its moments like this, where I feel like “my God am I not allowed to have any time what so ever to myself? Can I not enjoy the quiet of one less child pulling on my pants or shirt or whining about something they want?
After the comment was made that she found me “disturbing”…I really started to unravel.
This woman doesn’t know anything at all about me. She took one comment I said and made such a profound judgment over me and she’s never even seen me face to face. She doesn’t know the hours I pour into my kids’ video collages to capture all the special moments each and every month. How these videos have now grown to over an hour long each year because I just can’t stand to not use every photo that turns out halfway decent.
In a mere second my worthiness shriveled to nothingness. “I didn’t want to be around my children.” What kind of a parent am I to enjoy dropping my child off at school? I tried to let it go….to tell myself she just doesn’t know me. And that’s the truth, something can always be taken out of context and people will judge you before they even know who you are.
Well, this is what I say to all you tired mothers out there that just want to pee alone!
After you’ve packed the lunchboxes, helped with the homework, snuggled your children when they hurt them selves for the umpteeth time, or stay up monitoring their fevers all night, after you endure being thrown up on, and then have to clean up that vomit before you get to touch your head to a pillow again just to hear cries again from the next room…. after you’ve listened to whining and crying because a child doesn’t get their way and you have no idea how to resolve the issue, after you’ve lost your temper with them that day and you tuck them into bed and kiss their sleeping foreheads feeling guilty for the moments that fatigue and irritation get to you, I say its ok to want some time to yourself!!
You are a mother and your job never ends, you are on duty 24/7. Motherhood never takes a break, so if you get those moments during a nap time, at bedtime and when you drop your child off at school to have a little bit of a sanity break and maybe spend an hour or two doing something you love doing before you hit the endless loads of dishes, laundry and cooking….its ok!! Do not feel bad! Everyone needs a break from one another every now and then and let me tell you when 3:15 rolls around, I’m refreshed because Baby B just had his nap and I’m excited to pick my son up from school and find out how his day was.
When JJ and Braidy lock eyes after school, it’s all “I missed you’s and I love you’s” and hugs and kisses. For about five minutes there’s no fighting. The love between us all has been renewed! And I enjoy hearing about how much JJ loves school and the friends he’s making or the art project he’s working on and how he can’t wait to go back tomorrow. I’m the parent that stands in the hallway and observes her child out of site in the classroom just to catch a glimpse of him when he thinks I’m not looking. It makes me so proud to see him raise his hand and answer a question and a tear bubbles up in my eye even thinking about this. I love my kids!
Parents…moms, dads! Don’t beat yourself up if you happen to be doing a happy dance in the car after your kids wave bye! It’s perfectly normal and fine to feel that way! Don’t let anyone belittle you in that way! You can love your children but also enjoy your time away from them equally!
There is nothing wrong with that! I find that I am renewed, I have more patience, I can think a little more clearly and I make better decisions in the parenting department with a little bit of time away. There is nothing wrong with wanting a little time to yourself, and no parent should feel bad for that.
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